On Tuesday, I noticed just a little bit of pink on the toilet paper after going to the bathroom. Wednesday the pink was a darker shade and there was a bit more of it. This of course raised some concerns within me. I talked with Kyle about it and he told me not to worry about it. Of course I kept right on worrying. Thursday the pink was even darker and the quantity was still increasing. I decided to call my midwife and ask what she thought. But when she answered the phone and found out it was me, she said that she is not allowed to even talk to me. She had a bit of a law suit brought up against her recently and I guess that is the way the judge ruled. She can no longer practice as a midwife, and is not allowed to talk to her previous clients about pregnancy related stuff. At that point, I felt alone and scared. I was having issues and I needed to talk to somebody, an expert in the field, not just to Kyle. I called the gal that used to be her assistant and talked to her. The pink discharge the fact that I’m nearly 7 weeks and not feeling sick yet, led her to believe that I might be having a miscarriage. I hoped not, so I have tried to take it easy for the past couple of days. Kyle had taken the day off of work yesterday so we could move the boys bunk bed upstairs. He ended up doing most of it himself. I tried to move smaller stuff like the empty shoe boxes and small things like that that were in the way. I also held the bunk bed pieces in a standing position so Kyle could get them screwed together, but that was about it.
Last night we had movie night with the kids. We watched Turbo. As the movie went on, I was not feeling well. I was uncomfortable and starting to feel crampy. When the movie was over we prayed and the kids went upstairs to get to bed. I remained on the floor in the family room for a couple of minutes. When I stood up, I felt that gush that meant that I needed to get to the bathroom NOW. I tried to get to my bathroom as quickly as I could, but one of the kids was in there. I yelled that I needed my bathroom NOW. Kyle could tell that things were not right. Under normal circumstances I would have politely waited for the kid to finish and come out. I was most definitely suffering from a miscarriage.
When I came out of the bathroom, knowing that what I had been fearing had in fact taken place, Kyle tried to comfort me. He tried to get the kids to bed by himself because he could tell that I was not going to be able to do it, and then he just held me for a bit. He asked me if there was anything he could get for me. I knew that I would be bleeding a lot through the night and I did not want to lay down, so I asked him to clear my recliner off for me. He ended up putting a lot of that stuff on my treadmill, which I didn’t like, but I also realized that I wasn’t going to be using the treadmill anytime in the next couple of weeks anyway, so I just dealt with it. And so I sat in my recliner all night trying to get some rest.
Today, I am hiding in my room. I don’t want to move at all. And my heart is broken. I wonder why this happened. Why am I going through this? How will I get over this? What should I be doing to make sure that by body can heal from this? We were going to announce our pregnancy when we have most of the family here for Jeremy’s birthday and baptism next week. That won’t be happening any more. Instead I’ve got to try to recover a bit before all the family gets here. Our kids don’t even know that we were pregnant, and that I’ve miscarried. We don’t usually tell them about a pregnancy until we are ready for the word to get out, because once you tell little kids about it, it’s no longer a secret from anyone. They have no idea why I am hiding in my room today. When will we tell them? Will we tell them? I realized, that because I’ve miscarried, I can now take ibuprofen to ease the pain of the cramps, but that won’t help the pain that I feel in my heart.